Someone like me: What can we do when it all goes wrong…?
Hard work and time invested in growing my skills: check.
Done the course (check)
Practiced the skills (check)
Everything going to be plain sailing…
Oh no – that can’t be accurate, it’s all gone so horribly wrong…
Managing our hand of cards: Learning and practicing these CBT and DBT skills helps us to manage the cards we are dealt. There are no guarantees in this life (death and taxes aside). Our skills don’t mean we are in charge of dealing those cards, or that we control the card game being played. Indeed, life can quickly deal us a new hand of cards, or suddenly someone’s changed the card game.
When life punches us in the guts, we feel devastated. Tough things happen and they can have awful implications, for us and our loved ones. When control is swept away from us, we lose balance. Why didn’t all the investment and hard work in these skills, protect us?
My learning was put to the test: Recently, after high-performing long service, I was made redundant. The news left me disbelieving and disorientated. Roiling nausea was an hourly companion. Almost immediately I began journeying through stages of grief. Denial, not me – why me? Anger – that’s not fair. Bargaining – there must be another way. Depression what will I do, there’s nowhere to go… I won’t survive…? Why did the skills I was practicing not work? Were they all (even) worthwhile?
The misfortune of implied failure:
Dr. Brenda Griffiths says: “It’s very hard when you are using all your skills and things still don’t go well.”
Yes, agreed it feels like a double whammy, and affects one’s confidence. The pain is real. Life’s upsets can cut us deeply.
Better prepared more resilient: Whatever happens you may find it reassuring to know that once we have invested time to learn these skills, we ARE better prepared. Perhaps walking alongside my journey will help you to see the difference these skills do make. A month later, I’m not closer to a new job… Yet, I know my growing skills mean I was, and am, so much better equipped to handle whatever is ahead.
PLEASE skills: I did not forget that I must get medical support if I need it. Yes, I was depressed, and I made and continue with monthly GP appointments. It’s a strong safety net. I plan healthy eating and a regular sleep schedule and actively avoid mood-altering substances. The 1 glass of wine limit at dinner at weekends is a reward for achieving the past week. PLEASE helps me to keep the physical balance.
Observe: The skill of STOP, being mindful, and observing what was happening inside and around me made a real difference. I took back the areas within my control. It especially helped me finalize the legal stuff, including, finding the right, sensible advice.
Radical Acceptance, yes, it’s a hard-won skill: This was happening, I did not have to like it or approve of it – and it was happening. Accepting versus fighting gave me the energy to focus on finding the best possible outcome of a horrible event. And continues to help me face the front as I look for a new future.
Practical help from TIPP: TIPP skills are my friends every day. Intense exercise helps me to walk off anxiety and to create a mental space for acceptance. I practice Yoga and Pilates too. After difficult conversations, cold water on my wrists or a cold glass of water helps me to break the panic. Paced breathing is a kind buddy at night when sleep evades, or nightmares wake me. The steady calm rhythm is helpful. Used with progressive relaxation, I can feel where I am sooooo tense. Then I can actively relax in that area.
Accumulating positives makes it bearable: Every day I look to have one positive event. A book to read, an extra nice cup of tea, creating a special playlist, conversation with a friend, gardening, and planting seeds for a summer garden. We’ve tried to add special outings, too! We’ve been to see daffodils in the park, a jazz concert, and we’re planning for movies we want to watch. Each positive helps to fill up my bank of happy feelings again. Life IS worth living.
Mastery of other skill/s: I am practicing other skills to give my brain evidence that I can master tasks. The mending basket is reducing. I’ve used tie-dye to upcycle some faded clothes to explore my creativity and am redesigning a garden bed.
Making a cope ahead plan. Looking at the worst, best, and reasonably expected medium-term outcomes are helping me to quantify and qualify where I was and what I need to do. Discussing them brings fears into the open. I have a plan. I still don’t have an exact answer, and I know I can persevere.
Skills don’t take the pain away. They’re not magic and are unlikely to change the hand of cards. What they help is to adjust one perception of the event. Your life is still worth living. Our response can be (mainly) positive and future focussed. The pain recedes as optimism returns. You are free then to focus back on values and beliefs. Taking steps forward to increasing resilience. The aim becomes how to achieve a positive future within your life worth living.
If you are facing difficulties and need medical help, please don’t hesitate to reach out to your medical practitioner. They are there to help and you don’t have to do this by yourself.
